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Es una fiesta en mis pantalones
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| heres a new one for ya |
[Jul. 27th, 2007|12:54 am] |
i feel that its only fair that i write this here since more than half of the entries here are about her in the first place. for startders im drunk on a thursday night so just bear with me. have you ever met someone in your life that just fucked you up by all acounts. like there are girls and then there is THE GIRL! the only girl that has that power over you. well there is one in my life and she returns with a fierce burning that makes my heart beat faster as the blood courses threw my veins stronger. i dont knwo how the hell she does it. but its just her smiling, her eyes, her gentle kisses on the side of my face. god fucking damn it. shes not even in my life i see her once a month and when i do see her it is oh sooo rare and unusual. but then there is that moment where i have to catch myself bc i feel myself falling for all of the same beautiful things in her that i see again. even though i know she doesn't feel the same way about me i know she only wants to be friends and hoestely thats all i want to be as well. i dunno i guess i just am hurt by seeing her make bad decisions and i want to sweetp in at teh rescue and show here the love she truly deserves! its like when i see her and we talk, we connect, we bond it takes everything i possible have to like restrain myself from just leaning in an kissing her firmly on the lips. and i see her making the same stupid mistakes and ithurts. and i know she doesn't feel teh same way about me but just for one moment, one monstrous second of the day, i drink the nostalgia up like the clearest spring water. im stupid and drunk just ignore whatever im trying to say.
i miss the days where you could buy things with your pocket change
i guess love is just pain and suffering and that one day you wake up and realize that love will always hurt but its why you do it because you love! its why i continue everyday because i love, its why when i see her my eyes light up and my heart beats faster, love.....
le sigh
clif |
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| drinking and sex |
[May. 11th, 2007|01:14 am] |
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i spiral. I lay awake night after night, half awake, half asleep as only the insomniacs do. Thinking about life, money, best friends who don't talk, women who speak with their chest not their hearts. It all abruptly ends in a fiery inferno of lies, deceit. Im dating a bartender, well "hanging out" if there ever was such a thing. its special. But my liver hates me. I keep thinking about pst relationghipos. Heather holliday was teh last girl that i actually dated. Wow. i wonder how she is, how things are going. i guess im just hat repulsive to ex girlfriends that we never talk anymore. just something to think about |
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| white Owl----------- THE DRAGON |
[May. 25th, 2006|02:35 am] |
tonite, yes fucking tonite! (i loved that part of young life) we sat around hunters pool and swappd the usual: stories, laughter, and saliva from a bottle of MD 20/20. It was in the exactly essence of the word, perfect. That's what life is about, just being with friends. Some people call it boring, i say its only boring if the peopel you are with are boring. I am gonna miss Hunter so much this summer. He's going to Prauge and he's just one of those guys that you can sit around with and have an amazing time, even when your world is falling down around you.
People are bothering me. I'm beginning my genocide on the people that really dont mean that much to me. This will be the summer where i just stop talking to peopel that dont matter to me. The ones that i love, you know who you are, i treasure you. You have gotten me through rough times and i love you for that, and you shall be there for eternity. The rest, you sicophants, you smile-through-your-teeth-leeches, im done! It's time to be selfish and cut the poeple who do nothing but take from me off. So i will be cleansing myself of the dead weight, those friends that are nothing more than aquantances gone too far.
Everyone else i love you, except Mike Liberman. like if i could kill someone without and reprocussions, it would be him
<3 clif |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2006|11:02 pm] |
Originally, i was planning on boycotting UNITED 93 on the basis that i didn't want to watch the commercialization of an American tragedy. I was very mistaken in my pre-concieved notions. That movie was so heartfelt and shot masterfully to become a tribute rather than a money-grubbing hollywood thriller. It made me actually cry, a feat that hasn't been done by a movie in longer than i can remember. There were times where the silence from the theatre matched the movie that captured everyone's feelings on that fateful day. At the end there was silence as we all just stared at the credits, too scared to move, too angry to speak, to horrified at what took place to cry. All in all it was an amazing movie that i highly recommend.
My mom says she remembers every single thing that happened on the day JFK was assasinated. I pray that 9/11 is the worst our generation has to see.
Cross it up, kiss to the sky
<3 clif |
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| go speed racer. |
[May. 17th, 2006|01:26 am] |
i dont know what it is but there is something in the rush that can only be experienced when you know you can touch the ground going 70 miles an hour. I really like my motorcycle. It's like now i am officially part of every club i ever wanted to belong to, as tim so eloquently put it. I enjoy the looks i get from old ladies cursing me for my arrogance, and the admiration of you little boys dreaming of a future like mine. Other than al lof this, my life is amazing. I have surgically removed the dead weight that held me to this earth so that i may fly.
I think its funny, we hold onto past relationships because we idolize every single detail about them. We put people on platforms high above us, when if we but only stop and breathe we see the true nature of humans. We see that our relationships were but a sham, washable colors on a blank canvas. You finally realize that you put in 150 percent when others put in none. So i challenge you, stop, think, breathe and see what your relationships are really made of. The truth might scare you, or even sadden you. For in the truth, you might find the true meaning of love
<3 clif |
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| baseball diamonds and playground tag |
[May. 13th, 2006|07:27 am] |
This summer is off to a great start and i am sooo freaking excited. It's already taken shape to be that one that brings it all back to just havin fun. It has already started to recapture what its like to be a kid again with pick baseball games and time at the park with old friends. Yes, the park, you are never ever too old for the park. And trust me, my arms still ache from the playground, so if you are looking for a workout then definately try this. Already i know that Arizona 99cent cans will be my lifesaver and i just couldn't be happier right now. There are soooo many good things in my life that it just keeps the bad stuff out
<3 clif |
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| all i can say.... |
[May. 3rd, 2006|03:03 am] |
sitting here in my drunken stupor two thingds are clear: 1) i am drinking wayyyy to much 2) Blink 182 and their song pathetic is the best gift from god to this wrld!. It's hard to let go of things that you are holding on too way too much. I have an imagination that runs woild like a fucking Native American (no indain for suraje and mis brosephs). It is my own worst enemy and i am trying so hard to hold on to something that died sooo long ago. I guess this is what being an adult is about. Its giving in when you have known for so long that you have lost, but the great thing is that there is no problem in admitting defeat. Its a part of life. In ever y catastrophe that is my life, there is a chance for the greatest beauty to be born. it's like paving over a great monument in our history to make wake for a garden of dreams. My flower is about to blossom as we dawn on our summer to be remembered. This is the one for the record books, this is the one where we make the stories that wil lforeever be told by countless people. This is the one where our names become synonomous with greatness. Don't believe me? Just wait, for this summer, we are about to break the stride. We are about to break all boundaries and leave nothing...
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.....
....
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.nothing in our wake.
<$clif
(i like the money sign so fuck you) |
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| float with me into the past |
[Apr. 30th, 2006|11:19 pm] |
the following is an entry from September 30, 2005. My english professor made us keep a journal and this entry is one of my favorites:
We returned from the beach bringing more sand with us than we left. Everything was amazing. I took her to one of my most favorite spots in the world, the exact point where the river comes in contact with the bay and the brown murky waters collide with the force of two major armies. As we reach the top of the sand dune, the wind catches her brown hair. It looks like a mane of fire has just been set loose upon the world. The sun casts a beautiful shadow that cradles her face that only heightens the sparkle of her bright sapphire gems she has for eyes. I breathe heavy, unable to take in the beauty that is in front of me along with the oxygen necessary for my body. Focus, quick! Get her out of your mind!
So we arrived back at my place, slowly milling around looking for something to do. She immediately dashes for my bedroom. My heart sinks. Clif, you can’t do this, not again. I am an untamable beast. I can not be burden with a relationship, yet something about this girl, it intrigues me, and it captivates me. I don’t know what to do, or how I feel. There is this awkward tension between us like we are both lost in the fun, the laugh, the talk, the Starbucks. My thoughts that cram into my head like a train collision are only supported as I walk into my room and find her lying on my bed. She is commenting on how amazingly soft it is. I know of course, it is my fucking bed! She goes on and on about how awesome it is. I begin to feel the sleepy, tired yawn deep in my belly. I leave it there, hold it down, she can’t see it, I can’t move to the bed with her. If I knew that I liked her I would lay with her, if I just wanted to be friends we could cuddle, but this not knowing, this awkwardness left me with not option. I actually begin to use the time to clean my room, a task that has been unaccomplished in some time.
I am doing this weird floaty dance thingy. It is as if I was a skilled ballerina moving with spontaneous grace. My mouth strains in a yawn. Damn! “Clif, you are welcome to lay down, it is your bed,” she sings. No is my instinctive reply but I know that I need a good excuse to match my choice. I mutter something about me being busy. She reads the uncomfortable tremble in my voice. Why do I feel this way? I don’t get it, here is this gorgeous goddess laying on my bed and I’m afraid to go near her. She fumbles with her watch signaling that she should probably go. I bring her home and try to analyze the events that just happened. I don’t get myself sometimes. I don’t get why I act so weird, why I freak out at emotional attachment. Maybe it’s because I have seen what emotional attachment does to people, my parents, friends. After talking on the phone and several text messages goodnight, I finally return to my room. My soft bed still smells like her amazing perfume. I take in its beautiful scent as I try to recapture her face, her smile, and her eyes. I finally curl up in my bed and I realize that I have no one to cuddle with except my loneliness. |
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| no real subject |
[Apr. 30th, 2006|03:45 am] |
I thihnk the sense of smell is the most powerful sent on the planet. The smell of a flower can make someone fall in love and evoke deep memories of better days. While the simple smell of rotten food can cause nausea and induce vommitting. Im drunk while writing this so bear with me. Today i caught wiff of a smell that is most intoxicating to me. I was at work and the smell was of a perfume worn by a former girlfriend of mine. The smell blitzed my senses in a whirlwind that left me dizzy and feelings of being raped. I felt, nausea while also floating on a perfect soft cloud. It made me fall in love and hate the person that wore this sacred scent. I just thought iwt was interseting how one simple smell could bring me to the brink of personal destruciton and back all becasue of that one girl and what she did to me
<4
clif |
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| A toast to nostalgia |
[Apr. 23rd, 2006|02:34 pm] |
Let me take you on a journey, I think you'll like this one:
1) I make myself a drink just to relax me, because I'm keyed up like a soldier ready for battle
2) Tim comes out and says hey drink with me so down the hatch we go
3) Paul comes over and wants to do a drink with me
4) Tim finishes drinking but paul thinks he has had more than me, so I'll drink again to end those falsifications
5) I start to feel it coming on so i drink again
6) Nostalgia is here and it has set in so we all drink
7-10) Me killing all emotions in me by getting plastered
11) That one girl's face stuck in my head, Bam lets black out shall we
12) If my liver is complaining, I don't care, I'm too drunk to notice
13) A nice little sipping drink as we drunk dial a few friends
14) Guitar solo's that end in just one more before sleep
15) Three quick shots from my secret stash to kill those images of her face and to complete my lesson in self destruction.
Now you might ask what would comnpel someone to do this?
Answer: We are humans, we are self-destructive, look at this planet, our lives, all of it, just a stones-throw from total chaos |
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clifkix5's journal